We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
