theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
