Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
