my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
