her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
