yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
