how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
