Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
