Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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