Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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