I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My vagina is officially offended.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
