WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
