Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
