Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
