I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
