Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
