i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
