did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she told me i tasted like america
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize