I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
