Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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