forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
