Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I cut my penus on the lid.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
