I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Drake has all the answers
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
