dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
