You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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