hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
