Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
