Just cropdusted the office
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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