i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize