i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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