Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
