What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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