I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
