you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
