I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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