This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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