I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I AM VODKA MAN
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
