ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize