You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
