I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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