The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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