did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
