i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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