You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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