when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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