I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
