so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
