Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
