we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
