At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
