I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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