I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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