u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I did not marry a roomba.
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