last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
