I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize