Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
