I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
