first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
