he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
