I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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