Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
