I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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